lose your faith.

doesn't this kinda remind you of arnold's room from "hey arnold!" ?

"This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top."

AHHH! School is sooo hard this semester! i can't focus and i can't understand astronomy to save my life. what if i never get out of city college! oh god, I'm getting melodramatic. But seriously, this semester has been though. I am feeling like my school schedule has made me commit social suicide since i have no more than a few hours of my day to spend alone or with my friends. Why was I so stupid in making my class schedule so wack???? Hh yeah, because of retarded budget cuts. I just really want this semester to end NOW and to pass all my classes. I want it to be my last semester at city college and i want to go to USF already and learn about art and only art (well, maybe race studies too). Enough of the math and science bullshit. Enough with busy-work essays to prove I'm capable of shit.

Ive been having weird dreams about people telling me to love yourself or I wont be able to love others. I have always been told this in therapy or in church or some friends trying to give me advice. I don't know if I think it's true-to love others, you have to love yourself first. How do you even know if you love yourself to begin with? If I like myself, is that enough? I know for a fact I don't DISlike myself, is that okay too? Whatever.

I love it when I get back into my drawing phases. I'm in one right now, and I'd much rather draw than do homework or shower or sleep. I'm most proud of the picture I drew of Dana last weekend.

gfddfgdggjdg I miss Daniel.

i haven't updated this thing in a long time. i have a lot on my mind but my thoughts are too mean to post for the world wide web.
.....anyways, i came across this blog of old people with cool style or interesting appearances. it reminded me of my work (yes, still sanrio) and i wish i could take photos of some of the awesome old asian ladies like this dude. here are a few of my favorites from the blog:




http://advancedstyle.blogspot.com/

PS, im moving this week. yay for a new house with only one other person and less haight street assholes ;)

not judging people before getting to know them!

saving money. how do i do this?!?!

-my room/ roommate
-being constantly annoyed of everything
-complainers
-bitch customers who throw money at me
-people who don't ask to use my computer, and make it dirty
-my coffee addiction
-sand/ dirt/ trash all over my room
-being the only one who cleans the bathroom
-muni "cops"
-expenses
-ex-boyfriends
-having a list of people to call
-still not knowing where i'm going to live at the end of summer
-never having enough money/ being surrounded by people who don't have to worry about it
-taking myself too seriously
-shitty san francisco weather
-waking up depressed

the month of may lasted way too long. but it ended with a bang.

( pictures! )


friends forever.

i just realized that i have no idea what my living situation is going to be like at the end of summer. i have no plans, fuck. now im nervous, but i'm not going to live with mandy. shouldn't i be getting this done now????

and i don't feel very secure in my job right now. this must be what the rest of the world is feeling like and it definitely puts a huge dark cloud over my summer.

ive just been feeling like dropping out of life lately. maybe because i have been sick with the flu (not swine flu).
whatever. just let me feel what i am feeling!

an e-mail from mom:

life seems to be all over the place right now!

i got promoted at hello kitty. and then our company got sold to another...but don't worry! hello kitty isn't going out of business and she remains where she stands in our hearts. but there will be changes, and i'll tell you once i actually know what they are ;)

i also had an exceptionally good (last) weekend that unfortunately ended with a sad cold. but i feel better now. tons of kombucha and ginger tea have done me good.

i'm starting to do my own thing, and it's refreshing for once. this city can get repetitive, and curve balls are okay sometimes.

switching things around in my apartment saved me a few months ago, and it looks like we're going to have to do it again. i hope things work out. i need to stop taking myself so seriously.

start taking yoga
run regularly again
write more
start a daily drawing notebook
surround myself with positive people who care and respect themselves
gain more weight?

i get a lot of thinking done on airplanes.

i'm sad because i just finished a pint of ice cream (over 2 days). i love ice cream and i'm sad that it ended and i feel so guilty for having this substance in my body.

for my racial and ethnic studies class, our midterm is based off an essay about our identity (regarding race or ethnicity). the rough draft is due thursday and i'm having a real hard time writing about my identity as i have never related to my race or identified with being anything mexican/italian. i have only allowed myself once specific identity and i can't do that anymore. that identity kills, controls and keeps me from being happy and healthy. i do not know how to start this essay.

i went to lunch with a friend yesterday and one of the first things he asked me was "how is the weight thing going?" and i gave him the same answer as i would with my mom, or basically anyone. it's going fine, i'm working on it. then he asked "well, have you broke 100 yet?" i shook my head, blushed and said no. i can't do it. so i guess it's not going fine.

this is one friend whom i have shared my deepest thoughts, feelings and ideas with. he knows every struggle ive been through regarding my health and relationships and everything ive overcame. why couldn't i just be honest with this person (or any person) when they ask how the "weight thing" is going. obviously, it's because i can't be honest with myself about it. i actually realized the other night while trying to fall asleep about why i can't be honest with myself. when i say things are fine, and i'm doing okay (with my weight and my eating) it's because i have completely dis-acknowledge my body. in other words, i try to ignore my body as much as i can until i remember that i have one, and i have things i need to work on. in the morning when i get ready, i see my body but i definitely do not look at it, or acknowledge my body. i do this for a couple of reasons but mostly because i don't want it to be there. if it's there and i pay attention, i'll point out the fat, the rolls, the invisible chunks of blubber that only i see...and then i wont want to eat.



obviously, this doesn't mean i have any sense of control with the "weight thing" like i pretend i do.  and maybe i am not as out of control as i used to be, but now i know what i need to change.  do i want to change? yes, i do want to see my body for what it is and actually love it.  but how?  how do you look at yourself and feel love? or, care enough to nourish yourself in a healthy manner.  sometimes i feel like ive got the eating down right, and then ill e-mail my old psychologist my food lists for the week and i'm lacking in x amount of fat, and x amount of protein and pretty much lacking in x amount of everything.  so i'm not eating healthy or normally as i though i was. this all goes back to the days when i finished treatment in aurora and i was faced everyday with eating like a "normal (fucking) person".  HOW do you eat normally? i don't know what is healthy (food and diet wise). 

ask any of my roommates and they would agree that i probably eat enough.  ask my friends and they would agree that i look fine and healthy.  but when someone asks how much i weigh, i get a scared reaction. it never fails to terrify my mother that i am still less than 100 pounds.  to me, i feel like i should be the weight i am at.  i'm getting my period regularly, i can go up flights of stairs without fainting or panting and i don't feel dizzy when i stand up. so in my opinion i feel healthy "enough".  i don't know what else to say right now.

...i'd rather do this on livejournal than on facebook. so stop tagging me.

1. even though it can be painfully boring sometimes, i love my job at sanrio!

2. i wish people still wrote old fashioned letters and mailed them, e-mail so boring sometimes.

3. i feel guilty for moving so far away from home and leaving my parents alone.

4. raise your hand if your sick of being "a responsible adult"...

5. my 20th birthday was a disappointment.

6. i hate how my heart behaves. meaning, i miss jesse and my ex-boys too much.

7. right now, i'm midnight snacking on kettle cooked salt & vinegar chips and they are so good!

8. everyday i think about dieting and losing weight, even though i'm not seriously going to do that again.

9. this is the 1st time in my life where ive had this many girl friends.

10. i think everyone should be vegan and vegetarians are just lazy. even though i'm no one to talk.

11. i'm pretty sure i'm racist against my own race...

12. i'm so thankful for being raised on the beatles!

13. i still love cooking and i know i'm good at it. i just don't cook anymore becuase i'm not obsessed with food anymore.

14. age 14 was the year i first tried pot.

15. age 15 was the year i lost my v-card.

16. mary-kate olsen is my guilty pleasure, as fashion is concerned.

17. so is patti smith and edie sedgwick, but i'm not guilty about that.

18. i wish i had more tattoos but i don't have enough $$$ and my parents would kill me.

19. <--the best year of my life thus far.

20. i miss my brothers so, so, soooo much!

21. wish i painted/ drew more.

22. i wish vegan ice cream tated more like dairy ice cream.

23. i'm over girls calling me "cute", i feel like its more of an insult. (don't know why)

24. already falling behind in school right now.

25. i look at this website everyday: hellokittyhell.com

( some images for fun )

hello kitty donut maker...i want this so bad!
i have never seen anything look so good!

PS! me and the cutie house have re-arranged rooms. i have my own room now :)