lose your faith.

not judging people before getting to know them!

saving money. how do i do this?!?!

-my room/ roommate
-being constantly annoyed of everything
-complainers
-bitch customers who throw money at me
-people who don't ask to use my computer, and make it dirty
-my coffee addiction
-sand/ dirt/ trash all over my room
-being the only one who cleans the bathroom
-muni "cops"
-expenses
-ex-boyfriends
-having a list of people to call
-still not knowing where i'm going to live at the end of summer
-never having enough money/ being surrounded by people who don't have to worry about it
-taking myself too seriously
-shitty san francisco weather
-waking up depressed

the month of may lasted way too long. but it ended with a bang.

( pictures! )


friends forever.

i just realized that i have no idea what my living situation is going to be like at the end of summer. i have no plans, fuck. now im nervous, but i'm not going to live with mandy. shouldn't i be getting this done now????

and i don't feel very secure in my job right now. this must be what the rest of the world is feeling like and it definitely puts a huge dark cloud over my summer.

ive just been feeling like dropping out of life lately. maybe because i have been sick with the flu (not swine flu).
whatever. just let me feel what i am feeling!

an e-mail from mom:

life seems to be all over the place right now!

i got promoted at hello kitty. and then our company got sold to another...but don't worry! hello kitty isn't going out of business and she remains where she stands in our hearts. but there will be changes, and i'll tell you once i actually know what they are ;)

i also had an exceptionally good (last) weekend that unfortunately ended with a sad cold. but i feel better now. tons of kombucha and ginger tea have done me good.

i'm starting to do my own thing, and it's refreshing for once. this city can get repetitive, and curve balls are okay sometimes.

switching things around in my apartment saved me a few months ago, and it looks like we're going to have to do it again. i hope things work out. i need to stop taking myself so seriously.

start taking yoga
run regularly again
write more
start a daily drawing notebook
surround myself with positive people who care and respect themselves
gain more weight?

i get a lot of thinking done on airplanes.

i'm sad because i just finished a pint of ice cream (over 2 days). i love ice cream and i'm sad that it ended and i feel so guilty for having this substance in my body.

for my racial and ethnic studies class, our midterm is based off an essay about our identity (regarding race or ethnicity). the rough draft is due thursday and i'm having a real hard time writing about my identity as i have never related to my race or identified with being anything mexican/italian. i have only allowed myself once specific identity and i can't do that anymore. that identity kills, controls and keeps me from being happy and healthy. i do not know how to start this essay.

i went to lunch with a friend yesterday and one of the first things he asked me was "how is the weight thing going?" and i gave him the same answer as i would with my mom, or basically anyone. it's going fine, i'm working on it. then he asked "well, have you broke 100 yet?" i shook my head, blushed and said no. i can't do it. so i guess it's not going fine.

this is one friend whom i have shared my deepest thoughts, feelings and ideas with. he knows every struggle ive been through regarding my health and relationships and everything ive overcame. why couldn't i just be honest with this person (or any person) when they ask how the "weight thing" is going. obviously, it's because i can't be honest with myself about it. i actually realized the other night while trying to fall asleep about why i can't be honest with myself. when i say things are fine, and i'm doing okay (with my weight and my eating) it's because i have completely dis-acknowledge my body. in other words, i try to ignore my body as much as i can until i remember that i have one, and i have things i need to work on. in the morning when i get ready, i see my body but i definitely do not look at it, or acknowledge my body. i do this for a couple of reasons but mostly because i don't want it to be there. if it's there and i pay attention, i'll point out the fat, the rolls, the invisible chunks of blubber that only i see...and then i wont want to eat.



obviously, this doesn't mean i have any sense of control with the "weight thing" like i pretend i do.  and maybe i am not as out of control as i used to be, but now i know what i need to change.  do i want to change? yes, i do want to see my body for what it is and actually love it.  but how?  how do you look at yourself and feel love? or, care enough to nourish yourself in a healthy manner.  sometimes i feel like ive got the eating down right, and then ill e-mail my old psychologist my food lists for the week and i'm lacking in x amount of fat, and x amount of protein and pretty much lacking in x amount of everything.  so i'm not eating healthy or normally as i though i was. this all goes back to the days when i finished treatment in aurora and i was faced everyday with eating like a "normal (fucking) person".  HOW do you eat normally? i don't know what is healthy (food and diet wise). 

ask any of my roommates and they would agree that i probably eat enough.  ask my friends and they would agree that i look fine and healthy.  but when someone asks how much i weigh, i get a scared reaction. it never fails to terrify my mother that i am still less than 100 pounds.  to me, i feel like i should be the weight i am at.  i'm getting my period regularly, i can go up flights of stairs without fainting or panting and i don't feel dizzy when i stand up. so in my opinion i feel healthy "enough".  i don't know what else to say right now.

...i'd rather do this on livejournal than on facebook. so stop tagging me.

1. even though it can be painfully boring sometimes, i love my job at sanrio!

2. i wish people still wrote old fashioned letters and mailed them, e-mail so boring sometimes.

3. i feel guilty for moving so far away from home and leaving my parents alone.

4. raise your hand if your sick of being "a responsible adult"...

5. my 20th birthday was a disappointment.

6. i hate how my heart behaves. meaning, i miss jesse and my ex-boys too much.

7. right now, i'm midnight snacking on kettle cooked salt & vinegar chips and they are so good!

8. everyday i think about dieting and losing weight, even though i'm not seriously going to do that again.

9. this is the 1st time in my life where ive had this many girl friends.

10. i think everyone should be vegan and vegetarians are just lazy. even though i'm no one to talk.

11. i'm pretty sure i'm racist against my own race...

12. i'm so thankful for being raised on the beatles!

13. i still love cooking and i know i'm good at it. i just don't cook anymore becuase i'm not obsessed with food anymore.

14. age 14 was the year i first tried pot.

15. age 15 was the year i lost my v-card.

16. mary-kate olsen is my guilty pleasure, as fashion is concerned.

17. so is patti smith and edie sedgwick, but i'm not guilty about that.

18. i wish i had more tattoos but i don't have enough $$$ and my parents would kill me.

19. <--the best year of my life thus far.

20. i miss my brothers so, so, soooo much!

21. wish i painted/ drew more.

22. i wish vegan ice cream tated more like dairy ice cream.

23. i'm over girls calling me "cute", i feel like its more of an insult. (don't know why)

24. already falling behind in school right now.

25. i look at this website everyday: hellokittyhell.com

( some images for fun )

hello kitty donut maker...i want this so bad!
i have never seen anything look so good!

PS! me and the cutie house have re-arranged rooms. i have my own room now :)

mel and i have been so stoked on al green "jesus is waiting" on vinyl lately. so incredibly good!

anyways, school started and i'm diggin my class. for two of them i am required to write weekly journal entries. one regarding politics and another one will usually be free prompts. some people in my classes complain about writing, but i really like it so i'm excited about them. i bet most of you think i got hello kitty notebooks for these classes, but i didn't! to be honest, i'm kind of embarrassed to write my opinions on politics of racial inequality in a hello kitty journal.

i have a pretty mellow class sched. this semester. The only down side is not having any breaks between classes, so i have to eat on the way to class. Its not so bad though...
(9:30-11) Political Science 100
(11-12:30) Speech 11
(12:30-2) College English
(2-3:30) Racial & Ethnic Groups of the U.S (sickest class thus far!)

the inauguration speech + events have been so exciting! this is the first time i have really seen this stuff. the first time bush became president i was too young to pay attention and i didn't care enough. i think the only thing i remembered about that year was 911 and getting into dead kennedys and black flag. i'm pretyt sure the second time bush went into office, there were riots at the inauguration balls. HAHAHA!

( we went to japan town today! )

things i need to do before school starts. which is next week, damnit!

1. laundry so i actually have clean and warm clothes to wear
2. order books for classes/ get school supplies
3. grocery shop
4. attempt to clean and organize my room so i have a place to study (this is unlikely)
5. celebrate my birthday!

january-chopped off my hair and moved to san francisco, started school in a new place where i knew absolutely nobody. made friends outside of school and began dating a really handsome boy. figured out how it really felt t be cold.

february-attending my first city wide pillow fight, broke vegan to "gain weight". started learning. jeff moved into our small apartment in parkmerced, so now there are 5 of us. it rained for almost a month straight. did well on midterms even though i got bronchitis and strep throat simotaneously.

march-started falling hard for the boy. the decline of my biking days began. visited my family for spring break and ate a lot. had a boring time while all of my SF friends went camping.

april-introduced to the invisible arms boys and finally started going to shows in the bay area. went to "circle a" a few times this month and danced a lot. matt yetti also came to visit and it was a pleasant surprise. got really over drinking and started falling behind in school. got strep throat again!

may-forced myself to do better in school, had intense finals and some-how managed to pass all of my classes. put on some weight and went back to being vegan. hung out in dolores park a lot because it was getting warm and spent as much time with my romantic interest as possible.

june-went to NYC with my mommy. had do be separated from my boy toy for a month. FINALY got my tonsils removed. the last few days of june i came back to lovely san francisco to "house hunt" and reunite with my lover.

july-broke things off with the boy and cried for the month of july straight. started working at the racetrack again and networked my ass off while being paid to act cute and take shots of patron. also, started summer school at mesa college and realized that working 48+ hours a week and going to school really suuucks. started losing weight out of depression and anxiety, the only thing kept my going was my return to san francisco in one month.

august-i think this is when we got our house. finished summer school, quit the track for good and moved into the cutie house with melinda huot, dana akashi and amanda roddy! SAW RADIOHEAD at outside lands fest.

september-kinda reunited with old lover, only to get my heart broken. doing really well in school but feeling insanely homesick and depressed. went on a diet to lose the weight i gained in san diego. had our first party in our house for mandy's birthday!

october-got hired at SANRIO! "kinda reunited with old lover, only to get my heart broken." then started dating a new boy for a few weeks. i think midterms came and i did well. had a fun on halloween as an abused housewife. made a lot of vegan pumpkin cupcakes! oh and lovefest!

november-mom, dad and triplet brothers came to the bay area to visit for one day. cooked a delicious thanksgiving meal and spent a lot of money on hello kitty things. now, making new friends at school and loving the single life! played word twist a lot on facebook.

december-pops visited me for a night on his way to asia. finished fall semester super quickly, don't know how i did with finals. met a new really cute and smart boy! FINALLY went home to san diego for 4 days. had a fabulous time and saw blink 182 live in poway. ate really good burritos and home-cooked meals. cried too much on new years eve.

( a few pictures to remember the past year )

ive been sitting in my living room with the portable heater right next to me for a few hours. this is winter break for me until my friends get back to the city. san diego was really nice. no responsibility, nothing to worry about, no obligations. it went by way too fast and i feel guilty for not calling or seeing some old friends there. i just really focused on spending time with my brothers and parents.
i'm already tired of being cold and it's only been winter for eight days...i'm craving a warm day at dolores park so badly! c'mon global warming, heat me up. (i'll probably regret saying that)

oh, and i have girl friends now?







ellis isn't a girl, but i like this picture anyways!


and this is my cuuuute little baby cousin!

http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_11192208

Woman dies after car flips over ramp near Bay Bridge toll plaza

OAKLAND — A woman died Wednesday morning when a car in which she was a passenger flipped over a freeway ramp guardrail, fell 50 feet and rolled onto Interstate 80 in Oakland, officials said. Shortly before 6:30 a.m., Oakland police pulled over a gold 1994 Lexus coupe on West Grand Avenue near Filbert Street because the driver, Jason Johnson, 22, of Oakland, had the headlights off, police spokesman Jeff Thomason said. When the officer walked up to the car, the driver sped away, police said.

By the time the officer got back into his patrol car, he could see the Lexus was too far away and driving too fast to catch, so he didn't pursue it, Thomason said.

As the Lexus sped through a sharp turn onto an Interstate 580 onramp, it struck the guard rail and flipped over it, CHP spokesman Sam Morgan said.

"It must have been moving at a considerable speed, because the way those walls are designed — they're called Jersey Walls — your tire rides up on the wall and bounces right back into the traffic lane," Morgan said. "If you hit it just right, of course, and at a high-enough speed, you get what happened (Wednesday) morning."

The Lexus flew over the guardrail and fell 50 feet into a brushy area below, overturned several times and finally came to rest in the two right-hand lanes of eastbound Interstate 80, Morgan said. The woman, who was the only passenger in the car and rode shotgun, was found dead at the scene. She was identified late Wednesday by the Alameda County Coroner's office as Dominique Currington, 22, Oakland.

Morgan corrected earlier CHP reports that the woman had been thrown from the car; the driver, in fact, was the one ejected during the crash. The vehicle was so badly mangled, however, that investigators
could not immediately determine whether the driver went through the windshield or the door window, or if the car door was ripped off and he fell through it, Morgan said.

The driver likely was not wearing a seat belt, as his body showed none of the usual signs that accompany wearing one during a crash, such as telltale bruises on his shoulder, Morgan said.
CHP investigators briefly interviewed the driver before he was rushed into surgery in a nearby hospital, Morgan said. The driver was "in pretty bad shape," suffering a lacerated liver among other injuries. CHP closed three lanes of traffic on eastbound I-80 for about 90 minutes, reopening all lanes at 7:50 a.m.